Here the ultimate survival guide for our Polish-German wedding. (Thanks to Polandian)

 

The missing groom

In a German wedding ceremony the groom arrives at the church first and waits at the altar with his best man for the bride to be escorted down the aisle by her father or nearest equivalent. It’s a tradition that allows for all kinds of hilarious church-based shenanigans such as the groom fainting from stress or the best man passing out from alcohol poisoning. It’s also frequently used as a dramatic device in the kind of movies where brides decide not to turn up at the last minute. In Poland the bride and groom arrive at the church at the same time and walk down the aisle together, sometimes in leg irons. If you’re waiting in the church and notice the groom is missing don’t get excited, he’s coming. Expectations of a thrilling ‘jilted-at-the-altar’ scenario are unlikely to be met.

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Polish best man – the world’s easiest job

Expectations of the best man at a Polish wedding are not high. The ability to walk in a more-or-less straight line and hold some envelopes are sufficient qualifications. Polish best men do practically nothing. He walks behind the bride and groom down the aisle along with the bridesmaid and then sits down. That’s pretty much it. Best men are often also witnesses, but not always. In a German wedding it is the responsibility of the best man to bring the ring (note, only one ring) and hand it over at the appropriate moment, another tradition that provides limitless opportunities for humor. Not so in the Polish service – the rings are already there in a holy cubby hole of some kind.

If you’re ever asked to be best man at a Polish wedding do not hesitate. No responsibilities, no speeches (more on this later), a definite invitation to the party and a guaranteed woman to go with. You can’t lose.

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Standing, kneeling and sitting

The Catholic wedding service is essentially a mass with some additional messing about with rings and microphones. As with all masses there is a certain amount of standing up, sitting down, and random kneeling to be endured. If you’re not used to this sort of thing it’s usually easy to just follow the crowd. At weddings, however, things can get a little tricky.

Weddings, by their very nature, bring together two families. These days it’s quite common for these families to come from different places, unless we’re talking a real old-style keep-it-in-the-village affair. The surprising thing about Catholicism is that it isn’t nearly as standardized as the uninitiated might expect. Congregations from different parts of the country, or even neighboring villages, tend to do things slightly differently. The results can be hilarious – half the congregation suddenly kneel down while the other half are looking forward to a good couple of minutes more seat time, or every third person unexpectedly stands up leaving the remainder bouncing uncertainly. It’s the ultimate Polish nightmare – appear to be less devout and schooled than the visitors or do what has been drummed into you since the age of four by your local priest. Poles have been known to spontaneously ignite from stress at these moments.

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The disappearing bride and groom

You’ve survived the sitting, standing and kneeling business. Everything seems to be over and the newlywed couple are advancing back up the aisle towards the doors. You’re already loosening your belt in anticipation of the coming revelries when suddenly the bride and groom take a sharp left turn and disappear into some hitherto unnoticed wing of the church. What to do? Is there some special exit for newlyweds? Is something else tedious and detrimental to your buttocks going on? Panic not. More than likely they’ve nipped into a side chapel or nook to pay their respects to the local holy painting or finger bone of Saint Tibulus. They wont be long.

 

Throwing money around and sealed brown envelopes

On exiting the church the happy couple are traditionally showered with handfuls of loose change. They are then expected to pick it all up. Starting out on married life groveling around on the pavement for pennies like bums is, apparently, lucky. If you ever find yourself in this position I suggest bringing an umbrella which you can smoothly invert to catch the bulk of the incoming coinage.

Heavy metal objects of little value are traditionally thrown at Polish people who get married.

Immediately following this potentially painful and humiliating indoctrination into marital finances everybody lines up to pay their respects to the couple and hand them wads of cash. Three kisses on the cheek and flowers for the bride, a handshake and an envelope full of money to the groom. The bride hands her flowers to her bridesmaid, who needs to have forearms like tree trunks, and the groom hands the envelopes full of money to the best man, who needs to have moderately large pockets (I told you this job was easy).

* Please don't bring flowers since we don't know how to bring them back . Thank you very much.

 

The salt and the bread

Off to the party, which might be in a wedding hall, a restaurant, or somebody’s back garden. On arrival everybody gets a drink and the bride and groom get salt and bread. Again, if you ever find yourself in this situation, don’t panic – it’s just symbolic, it doesn’t mean you’re only getting salt and bread for the rest of the evening. One or other of the parents who’s job it is to provide the bread and salt may make a short speech and start blubbing at this point.

 

Songs, songs, songs

Immediately following the salt and the bread business all Poles in the vicinity will break into song. The song is known as “Sto lat” (“100 years”) and is the same song you will hear sung at birthday parties, presidential inaugurations and, in extreme cases, the opening of a tin of sardines. Here are the words — you’re going to hear them a lot in the next few hours:

Sto lat, sto lat,
Niech żyje/żyją, żyje/żyją nam.
Sto lat, sto lat,
Niech żyje/żyją, żyje/żyją nam,
Jeszcze raz, jeszcze raz, niech żyje/żyją, żyje/żyją nam,
Niech żyje/żyją nam!

which translates roughly into English as:

A hundred years, a hundred years,
We want him/her/them to live.
A hundred years, a hundred years,
We want him/her/them to live,
Once again, once again, we want him/her/them to live,
We want him/her/them to live.

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First dinner, first dance

Once the singing has died down everybody sits down to the first meal. Note my use of the word ‘first’ here. There may be additional singing in the form of traditional demands for the bride and groom to kiss like alien face-huggers, but there’s nothing important going on there that you need to worry about. Immediately following the first meal the newlyweds are invited to embarrass themselves horribly by performing the first dance.

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A lot more dinners

People often get advised when they are going to polish weddings to beware of the amount of food they will be required to consume.

“There will be a lot of food” I say “I mean, really a lot.” “Oh good” they say. I shake my head and hold my tongue. A few days later I see them again and they say “Why didn’t you tell us there would be so much!” “I did!” I say “I tried to warn you.” “My god” they say with the horror of recollection in their eyes “I didn’t know there was that much food…”

Polish food. You’re going to be seeing a lot of this kind of thing.

This is how it works. Immediately after the first toast you will sit down to an excellent meal of something roasted, with vegetables and potatoes and a side salad preceded by soup. You will eat this and then help yourself to the various cakes, cold meats, breads etc. scattered liberally about the table. At this point you will be completely stuffed and saying to yourself “Hey, that guy was right, there really was a lot of food, but I could handle it.” You will probably be quite satisfied with yourself and think me a moaning minnie with the food handling capacity of a small rodent. About an hour later the waiters will be bearing down on you with exactly the same thing all over again. An hour after that they will be back again. By now you’ll be feeling the fear. Fortunately there are only three or four more courses to go, each one the size of a hearty Sunday dinner. And then cake.

Do not attempt to eat everything served to you. You will die. You have to regard the food as symbolic. It’s a symbol of wealth and plenty, an overwhelming feast for the happy event, it’s not an actual meal.

The vodka situation

Vodka is a big deal at Polish weddings. Talk of who is going to buy the vodka and where they are going to get it begins at least six months before people start considering less significant details such as wedding dresses or who to marry. Presumably there was a time when vodka was in short supply or had to be manufactured in the woods because, as far as I can see, the entire problem can me solved in a ten minute trip to the local supermarket. However, I digress.

Assuming the vodka is there and, to be honest, the wedding would have been canceled if it wasn’t there are a few things you should know. Vodka is only drunk collectively. Glasses are filled, somebody proposes a toast, vodka is drunk, and glasses are refilled in readiness for the next toast. There’s no casual solitary sipping. It’s all or nothing every time. Sometimes it will be a special wedding vodka prepared according to a traditional recipe known only to 84-year-old uncle Bogdan. These are often sweet and pleasant tasting but can still kill an elephant at 20 paces. Do not be tempted to fill in the time between toasts with a beer or a glass of wine, that way lies very messy but dimly recalled madness.

Rules of drinking vodka: 

• Never say no to vodka – except if you are pregnant, driving or it’s against your religion. If somebody offers you a shot, you take it, as it is considered rude to refuse. You can always ask for half a shot, or if you’re drinking wine just raise the wine glass instead. It’s not considered smart to mix alcohols. Of course don’t take it too serious! If you don’t want to drink nobody is going to force you (Except the bride and the groom).

• Never drink alone – drinking vodka is a social thing, it is only drunk collectively. Glasses are filled, somebody proposes a toast, vodka is drunk, then glasses are refilled in readiness for the next toast. There’s no casual solitary sipping. It’s all or nothing every time.

• Raise the glass – how to make a toast. You are free to drink whenever you feel like – there is always going to be a person at your table to keep you company. But if you want to make everybody else drink there is a one easy rule: start chanting the toast. The first toast is always proposed by the father of the bride, just after the first dinner.

• Do not mix – As the wedding goes on till late night you should try to stay as long as possible. The official part is over around 1 am and shortly after that it is OK to leave. If you drink one type of alcohol and eat lots of food you will be more than fine. Filling time between the vodka shots with a beer or a glass of wine is very risky, so always stick to one type of alcohol you’re drinking.

• Make a toast – you always need a toast. The most common polish toast is: “na zdrowie” (which means: to health). Although you can drink for whatever you want, the most common wedding toast is “za młodą parę” (which means: to newlyweds). Other very important toasts are:
  – STO LAT (hundred years) – people might start singing it at any time.
  – NA ZDROWIE (for a good health) – somebody will stand up and say it and everybody else will repeat and drink.
  – GORZKO, GORZKO, GORZKO [goshko, goshko, goshko) (bitter, bitter, bitter) – this is a typical wedding toast. Guests complain that the vodka is too bitter to drink, so the young couple should kiss on the lips to make it sweeter. Remember: You should never propose a toast when the hot meal is on the table.

• TIP: If you decide to drink vodka in shots, drink it with water. Every Polish knows that sweet and fizzy drinks make you drunk faster.

 

Oczepiny: Throwing bouquets & ties and games

The throwing of the bouquet will be familiar to the readers and it has the same function at a Polish wedding, except that it takes place at the party and not outside the church. The difference at a Polish wedding is that it is taken much more seriously. In the half an hour before the tossing of the bouquet is due you’ll notice a gradual but complete evacuation of the building by all unmarried females over the age of about 24. To be 25 or older and still in that circle around the bride is a powerful shame.

Unlike men at other weddings Polish men also get the chance to make utter fools of themselves scrambling after discarded clothing. The groom’s tie is the sought after item in this case. By this time of the night any male who is still able to stand, regardless of age, is considered a good catch.

The games. As mentioned before, there are some polish wedding games that take place after the oczepiny. As the party is quite long it is important to bring some entertainment to the guests. Some of the games are really cheesy, some of them are more fun. Do not be surprised if you will be asked to take part in them. The games always finish with some prizes for the winners.

NOTE: You are NOT obliged to take part in this or any other game. It is absolutely NOT mandatory, so no one will be offended if you do not decide to take part.

 

Proper dancing

Dancing is also a big deal a Polish weddings. It’s the women’s vodka. The first time I went to a Polish wedding my girlfriend said “You know there will be dancing, don’t you?” “Well yes” I said “that’s normal.” I had in mind the vague individual flailing around that every self-respecting Germ regards as dancing. Not so. Proper dancing is expected. In pairs, with feet and everything. Dancing schools make a killing in Poland.

Midnight cake

The cake is cut and distributed to the groaning overstuffed guests at midnight. Don’t worry we want you to really enjoy the cake, which means that our cake is served as the first desert.